Land of the Lost(2)
Today I’d thought I’d continue my journey through life. I left off with the events that had led me to be born in the first place. I use to comically refer to the time of my birth as the land of the lost. My kids have always joked the I was born at a time when dinosaurs roamed the earth. This joke started when my oldest was about 5 and they still refer to the dinosaurs every now and then. I’m sure some parents out there can relate. No? Well then I guess I’ll have to have a serious talk with these damn kids of mine!
So I was born. Nothing truly exciting about the event really, other than I was the first born grandchild on my mom’s side of the family. My maternal grandparents weren’t too thrilled with the fact that my mom had been dating an older man. All in all, he was stable and had a great career. My mom was the trouble child, the rebel in the family that gave them the most grief and the one that the entire family always gossiped about. She never finished high school and everyone expected she would be in some sort of trouble sooner or later. The fact that she was the first to settle down, get married and start a family was a shocker to everyone. Who were they to complain about my dad’s age? They hoped that since my dad was older he would be able to keep her grounded. Not so much….
Everything seemed alright after I was born. Life went back to normal and my mom seemed to be happy. My mom was getting loads of attention as a new mom but slowly all the attention started to disappear. My dad was working all the time and dabbling in his hobbies so he wasn’t home as much as she assumed he would be. She was spending a lot of time alone and my dad started to notice her behavior changing. He would come home to find me crying in my crib, for god knows how long, while she sat blank faced at the dining room table with a half smoked packed of cigarettes. Sometimes she would be locked in the bedroom while I screamed from the living room. He got to a point where he wasn’t sure if she was even feeding me half the time because he could tell she wasn’t bathing or changing me. She started whispering to herself again and would stare of into nothing. I was 5 months old.
My dad contacted that friend she had made, the older woman, while she had been working and was able to get my mom her job back. The friend even offered her teenage daughter as a babysitter. So back to work my as mom went. The woman’s daughter was 15 and doing excellent job with me, and even pitched in with the housework. But my mom started to notice some things that were make her uneasy. My dad was coming home from work earlier than usual and the girl would still be there. It was common for my mom to come home and discover them just “hanging out” on the couch listening to music or watching TV. The girl seemed to be obsessing over my dad, however, my dad claimed to have not noticed this. My mom began to think that maybe it was all in her head, and even felt guilty for thinking poorly of them. My mom decided that maybe she needed a little vacation and took my dad’s parents up on the offer to fly her back east. My dad couldn’t go because he couldn’t get the time off of work. This trip became the turning point in their marriage.
My mom was gone for just under a week and returned home. They lived in an apartment complex where, unfortunately for my dad, everyone notices everything. Mom ran into a neighbor while checking the mail and bragged about her trip but the neighbor seemed confused. The woman explained that she had no clue that my mom had been gone all week because she had seen the babysitter there every day.
My mom couldn’t breathe. She felt like she was in a fog. She knew something seemed weird and she was pissed that she had been made to look like a fool to everyone. She was humiliated. She waited on the couch for my dad to come home and as he walked through the door, shit started to fly. Literally, she picked up anything she could get her hands on and threw it as hard as she could at his head. She yelled and screamed and cried like a crazy woman but none of that seemed to matter.
The actual events of how they parted are fuzzy. I know there was confrontation but do not know the details. My mom moved in with her parents and brought me a long for the ride. My dad stayed in his apartment and didn’t seem to mind the neighbors thinking he was an ass. Even though we all know what happened during that week, my dad denies ever having an affair and the girl (who becomes a rather interesting part of my life’s journey) denies the affair as well. They claim they were just friends and it was my mom’s own mental issues that interpreted the story I just told you.
They have a completely different recollections of that time period. A friendship that was misinterpreted by only my mom, a trip my mom took spur of the moment leaving my father behind, a discussion with a neighbor that was only in her head and never actually occurred, a filthy house that appeared to have been ransacked when my dad returned home from work that day, and a filthy baby that had not been bathed or fed all day, and a visit from the police who had to subdue her because she was so incredibly hostile.
Which story is the right one? If she was so incredibly disillusioned, why did he let her take me with her? I would have had a better shot in the land of the lost.
Till next time………………….
Seems like your journey through life has been anything but the usual from the start. It’s really interesting and painful to read what you had to go through. I hope you find the time and strenght to share it all with. So we (or I) might just be able understand the very basics of who you are and how it all happend.
My journey has definitely been different. It will probably become more difficult for me as I get to the point where I become old enough to consciously remember for myself rather than rely on others for recollection of events. Especially since most are events one chooses to forget. I do plan on sharing it all because I have been urged to do so by so many people, and these are people who don’t know everything. I promised myself I would find the time to do this, I just hope to keep the strength through the tough parts. Thanks for being interested and sharing your thoughts. It helps me to want to keep working through this.
I had a tough time after my son was born and for a while I floated around in a state of chronic sleep deprivation co-mingled with sadness. I actually was put on medication for bipolar disorder, but it did nothing for me except give me terrible muscle aches and make my hair fall out! Luckily, we figured out my mess.
You have certainly had a difficult journey. There is nothing easy about mental illness. I am glad that you found me and now I can follow you on your path.
I hope you’ll follow me on mine!
xoxoRASJ
http://rasjacobson.wordpress.com
Sorry you had such a rough time but I’m glad you made it through. I’m looking forward to reading your thoughts. Thanks so much for taking the time to stop by.
You know, this is making me want to start writing about how I got here too. Especially since with my bad memory I won’t remember the current days as well as I’d like, if I start with how I got to here, then…oh, wait, I’m starting planning this in a comment, sorry.
Anyhow, you are a good writer, and as much as it sounds sick to me to say it (as the content isn’t really the most happy-times story), I enjoyed reading your post, as usual.
You really should. If you have the urge, just do it. Thanks for reading. I know my life may not be the most pleasant to write about, but it encourages me to keep going knowing people want to read about it. Thanks for reading.
I’m sorry your first year was so crappy…does writing about your life make it easier for you to carry on because even though I don’t know you, when reading between the lines, I sense a kind of strength from you…I don’t think you would have been able to write about this had you not accepted it and ‘dealt’ with it? I also look forward to the next chapter in your life.
I have slowly been working through this tangled mess of a life as I lived it. Recent events in my life have brought a lot of this back to the surface, and although I have already “dealt” with it all writing has been therapeutic. Not just writing about my life but writing in general. I have never actually sat down and explained why I am the way that I am, at least not in its entirety. I was urged to do this numerous times over the last decade and just within the last month found the courage and the need to. Thanks so much for following along and sharing your thoughts. They really are appreciated.
I can’t imagine how much courage it must take you to write these thoughts out and blog them.
May the cage be broken and may you feel free to fly as you continue on this hard, but hopefully illuminating and healing, journey…
How encouraging! Its not the easiest task, as you can imagine, but it is starting to give me a sense of freedom. Thank you for visiting.
Wow. What a story. Thanks to your being such a great writer, I can imagine all those scenes so vividly, and tragically. I hope writing all of it down acts as a great catharsis and kind of eases the load so to speak, so you can focus on you, and your family at the present.
That is the plan! Writing has already started to help. It seems to be very therapeutic. Thanks so much for taking a moment to stop by and share your thoughts. They are appreciated.
I think you are very brave to write all this down and inspiring as well. I wish I had half as much courage to tell my story as you have yours.
That is sweet of you to say. To be honest, I really didn’t want to deal with all of this is such a public way for quite some time. I have shared tid bits here and there when necessary. There are things that my husband doesn’t even know yet, but will after reading it here. The courage is in there somewhere, you just have to find it. It truly has become therapeutic for me. If nothing else, I hope to encourage someone else to find thier courage. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. They are all appreciated!
I love reading your posts, and your style of writing makes your stories interesting and easy to follow. I love the stories of “how you came to be.” what a great idea! can’t wait to read more!
Thanks so much. I look forward to reading your thoughts.