The Insider (13)
Maybe it was for the best that I didn’t get to say goodbye. After all, my mom probably would have said or done something to traumatize me more than I already was. I stood on the lawn under the tree with the police officer for a while. He tried to talk to me, to distract me. It wasn’t working. A man stood near the front door of my grandma’s house with another police officer and my grandma stood in the doorway talking to them. I had no idea who the man was or what was going on. I heard my grandma ask if she was still allowed to see me on my birthday. I panicked. Why would she ask that? It didn’t make sense. Where were they taking me? Was I ever going to see my mom and sister again? My mom was about to have my littlest sister. I had yet to even meet her. The man’s answer was simple. He said, “I’ll have to think about that”. Then the man turned around and walked towards us. It was my dad.
The police officer handed me over to my dad. I was happy to see him but angry all at the same time. I was confused. Why wasn’t I allowed to see my mom and where was he taking me? Why were the police here and why did he make my mom cry? I would soon find out. I’d soon found out a lot of things.
The car ride with my dad was odd. Looking back on it now, it seems like he was nervous and didn’t quite know what to say. He asked if I was ok and I simply replied, No. He asked if I knew who he was and my response was a one word, yes. I didn’t feel like talking. I don’t think that he did either. Since I had gone missing, my grandma and grandpa had helped my dad buy a house. They thought that I should have a secure home to come home to, if I was ever found. When we pulled into the driveway, Karen was waiting for us. She was living their too and had a smile on her face as my dad helped me out of the car. It took a few years to figure Karen out. Maybe it’s better I didn’t know that smile wasn’t a genuine one. It would have made this whole transition more difficult than it already was for me.
The first day home with my dad was overwhelming and I learned a lot. Listening in on a conversation I learned that my dad had a spy in my mom’s family. My aunt Whitney, my mom’s older sister, had let my dad know when my mom and I showed up at my grandma’s house. He had alerted the police and they set a plan in motion to come and get me. She was the insider and my mom and grandma had no clue. I also learned that the police had given my dad a chance to press charges against my mom for parental kidnapping. He thought about it and decided it would do anybody any good. He decided not to. Karen was upset and couldn’t understand what his problem was. They argued. This was the first of many arguments over my mom and I.
My dad let me know that my grandma was anxious to see me and that she would be flying out the next day. He also let me know that while they were searching for me, my grandpa had passed away. The way he explained this to me was a little off and he seemed angry. I had lost another grandpa to a heart attack and it seemed that the stress attributing to his death was also related to me and my mom in some way. I felt horrible. I felt responsible and I thought that my dad blamed me for my grandpa dying. I still feel that way.
My dad showed me around my new home. Karen didn’t say much but she really didn’t have to. I had been in the house only a few hours and could already feel the tension. He showed me my room. It consisted of a bed, a small table with a chair, a dresser, some books and a pac man game. It was exciting. the room was rather bare but it was the best bedroom I had ever had. I sat in the corner of my new room at the little table with my head buried in the pac man game. I didn’t want to look up. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t feel like this was really my home and so far I really didn’t feel welcome.
my first day home with dad
It wasn’t long before they started the questioning. It was more like an interrogation really. Questions about my mom and my grandma. Those only lasted so long and then the real questions came, the ones about John. I wasn’t going to give in. It was my secret. I wasn’t going to say anything, and I didn’t. They drilled me though. they drilled me until I started crying and they became so frustrated they just gave up. I guess my aunt Whitney thought she was doing a good thing by letting my dad know where I was. Was living with my dad any better than living with my mom? I soon learned that it wasn’t really better, it was just different.
You are strong, my friend. And your grandfather’s death was in no way your fault, so you need to stop blaming yourself.
{{Hugs}}
It’s been a long time since I’ve blamed myself for this. I use to when I was younger though. My dad holds a lot of resentment towards me and has always made me feel as if losing his father was somehow my fault.
Looking back, do you wish you told your dad about John?
Good question. This is a hard one. To be honest, I found out when I was an adult (and eventually I’ll get to this part of the story) that he already knew. My dad is a very difficult person to talk to and I think that talking to him at a young age about something so sensitive and traumatizing would have made things worse. Does that make sense? Should I have opened up to someone? Probably and I wish there was someone in my life at that time who could have been there for me in that way. Unfortunately, there was no one who would have made any difference to me that would have mattered. Anyone I would have told, would have traumatized me even further. Hard to believe? I understand why some people would think that. As you get to know a bit more about my family members you will start to understand.
At least the info gathering tactics have changed over the years.
This is the first time I have read one of your ‘deeper’ posts. I also wonder if you wish you had done anything differently? Do you wish that you hadn’t gone there? Had told them more? and answered their questions? Did you ever answer?
I understand your feeling that your father blamed you, that must have been /is a horrible feeling, but it is not the case obviously. You seem very strong, an amazing post, very deep and inspiring!
At the time, I was confused. Looking back on it now, I know that I was physically safer having gone with my dad. Emotionally and mentally I would have been better off living somewhere else. I’ll get to that part soon. There was nothing differently I could have done at that time. I am glad that I didn’t talk about the trauma I had endured because the people handling the situation would have just traumatized me further.
When I was younger, I felt the blame that my father placed on me. I don’t think he knew I could feel it, and yes it was a horrible feeling. He still holds a lot of resentment towards me today and I am sure that other members of his side of the family do as well, considering I was treated so obviously different. This isn’t an imagined feeling of resentment, this is something he has openly admitted to me.
Thanks so much for reading!
I dont know if I can wait til next til hear more. I am coming over … tell that dog of yours to move over.
I hope you still dont blame yourself but probably feeling that way when your young well its all you know.
Bug Hugs!!
By dog….. do you mean Bella? Or Mr T? LMAO!!!!!! I’ve told them both to move over, Marina’s coming to town
What a powerful and sad story. Huge hug to you!
Thanks for reading Mark.
You’re very brave for telling your story. Makes me want to give that little girl in the photo a big hug.
Thanks so much Fringe
i know you’ve had your struggles but i’m so proud of you for even starting this series of your ‘past’ and even continuing. I know i’ve said it before… i can’t imagine how you felt or what you feel as you relive it. but it gives me hope because of your family life now.. not that i know everything about you but it seems like you are all doing well. and you have a family to be proud of.
Thanks so much Mel for all your encouragement. It’s been difficult for me to be so aggressive with a part of me that I’ve worked so hard to avoid. I am proud of the parent I am today as well as the close relationship that I have with my children. That is what helps me to tell my story. Thanks again for reading along. It means a lot.
I find it really brave you are writing all this down and I hope you keep on writing. I really feel sad when I read what you have been through and no-one should ever endure such things. Then again, by sharing with all of us, you give us a chance to understand who you are and how you became the woman you are today. Therefore I have much respect.
Readin through your comments, I feel it is unfair the grudge some people held against you. Like any girl, the age you were in, could have done any to prevent it all. So please, do not let it get to you.
Thanks so much Marc. I appreciate the encouragement.
I never know exactly what to say on a comment to these deeply personal posts. I feel that any words I would choose would not be sufficient. But as I read the last two posts tonight, I couldn’t help but think of how you were at that time, roughly the same age as two of my kids are now. It’s just hard to fathom someone so young trying to cope with so much.
Yet you have. You are clearly a very strong person.
I could never imagine any of my kids having to experience this kind of thing so I know what you mean. Thanks for reading Deb.
I was happy to see that you started writing your life story again… And not happy for what you went through, but rather that it shows how brave you are to open up with everyone about your life experiences, I hope it helps you heal more.
I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to respond to any of your recent posts- I want you to know that I always read all of them, I’ve just been having a hard time fitting everything in. Once this month is over, I’ll be able to try to leave comments more regularly then. But I just wanted you to know that I love your blog, reading your funny posts about your family, and las vegas- as well as the stories about your childhood. I also always appreciate all of your comments you leave on my blog, it means a lot to me that you read my blog, and let me know what you think about things.
<3 tazia
I know that your life is hectic right now so no worries! Get that wedding of yours taken care of. It’ll be nice to have you back when things settle down a bit!