Sheer Curtains (16)
My heart raced and panic set in. I didn’t know whether to scream, to run or to go back in and interrupt the class that had just started. Would somebody help me? No one had before….
I froze. I couldn’t even move. He smiled. He knew I saw him. It was like a bad dream where you are frozen in place. My legs felt like lead and I could not move. I wasn’t even sure I was still breathing.
Before my brain would allow me to do anything, a car rushed in to the parking lot. It was Karen. She threw the passenger door open and informed me that she was in a hurry and I needed to jump in. Without hesitating I threw my dance bag and backpack in the car and jumped in. My heart was still racing as she started to pull away. John just stood there. He never moved.
She asked me what was wrong. I must’ve looked like I had seen a ghost. I questioned my own sanity in those moments. Did I really see what I think I did?
“I’m just tired”
That 20 minute ride home seemed like it took forever.
She asked me why I still had my backpack and why I hadn’t left it with dad. Did she not know how dad had arranged for me to get to dance class?
“I’m not sure”
Karen was in a hurry because she was trying to beat dad home. We made it. I grabbed my things out of the car and went to my room. I wondered if John had followed us here. Did he know where I lived now? Why was he watching me from that parking lot? I had come to feel that my bedroom was my own personal space and I felt safe there. I spent a lot of time there, alone. I sat on my bed staring out of my large bedroom windows and into the street. I realized in that moment that if I could see out that easily through the curtains that he could watch me if he really wanted to. I felt the safety of the only sanctuary that I had found slip away while I sat there.
The next day at school went on as if nothing had happened. When the last bell rang for the day, I made my way over to the after school program on the other side of the school campus. I had spent the day thinking about my dad. He hadn’t come home before I had gone to sleep. The whole situation with my teacher seemed odd to me. None of the other parents called her if they couldn’t take their kids to dance class. When Karen asked why I still had my backpack I realized that she didn’t even know about it. My dad picked me up later that evening and I was expecting to go to piano. He told me that piano had been canceled. He still had some reports to write and so he was going to take me to dinner with him. He could write his reports and I would have dinner and do my homework.
We went to a place that dad apparently went to all the time because all the waitresses seemed to know him. He did his work while I ate and did my homework. We really didn’t talk. The waitresses were really nice and even took me to the pastry case to pick out some cookies. I loved it there. Back at our booth, a waitress was sitting next to dad. I hopped in on my side as she stood back up. She grabbed his hand as she laid our bill down on the table. She smiled and then walked away. Even as young as I was, I knew something just wasn’t quite right. Dad paid and we left.
Walking through the parking lot to the car reminded me of the night before. It was dark and cold. I told him that Karen had asked me about my backpack. He paused at the car before unlocking it and asked me what I had said to her. I told him that I really didn’t answer her. He seemed relieved and continued to unlock the car. We got settled in and before starting the car he turned to me.
“You know, Karen is really sensitive and sometimes takes things the wrong way. Maybe it would be better if we just didn’t say anything about how you got to dance class. Honestly, maybe we shouldn’t tell her that I talk to the waitress here either. I’m sure you caught on to the fact that I was talking to our waitress when you went to get cookies. She is having some trouble at home and so I’ve been helping her out a bit. Karen would probably get the wrong idea. We wouldn’t want to upset her. If we can do that then I’ll bring you back here with me soon. Ok?”
“Ok.”
I lost some respect for my dad while sitting in that car. I didn’t trust him. The special treatment I had been getting in class started to make sense now. Would I have trust him enough to tell him I saw John?
No.
Wow, I don’t know how you managed not to tell anyone – I think my immediate instinct would have been to tell someone. That said, I don’t think I would’ve told Karen – maybe dad, but not sure. You were a tough kid, girl.
Leaving from dinner that night I had built up the courage to tell him about seeing John. I was still questioning whether I had actually saw him or if my mind was playing tricks on me. After talking with him about Karen and the back pack incident, I just didn’t trust him enough to keep talking.
Trust is easiest thing to loss and the hardest thing to gain back. How many years has it been.
Love you
Love you too.
What a story…. You are so right about trust. Once you have lost it, it is almost impossible to get back.
Sometimes, you never get it back.
So much seen, so little said. So much pressure on a little girl. Not a way to live.
I agree.
I wish I knew you back then. I would have been your best friend and followed you around everywhere.
Trust is the worst thing to lost especially between a parent and child.
Did I miss something?
Why didn’t he tell karen about the dance lesson? Why was your teacher getting involved?
My dad was having an affair with my teacher and the waitress at the restaurant. He didn’t tell her about my teacher taking me to class because it just wasn’t a normal thing to have happen and he didn’t want her to get suspicious. He didn’t have the best reputation, considering Karen was the mistress at one time.
Ernest Hemingway once said, “The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.” You learn real quick when you can’t trust someone…sometimes too quick.
So very true. Thanks for sharing Fringe.
Wow girlfriend. My goosebumps came back with the first sentence just as they had with the last sentence of the last post.
Oh my. Honey, I finally got a little time and went back and read all your posts on your childhood. I’m so very sorry you’ve had to suffer through all this and my heart breaks for the little girl you weren’t allowed to be.
On the other hand though, your courage in sharing all this is just amazing. You’ve not only survived what would have completely broken most people, but you’ve got the strength and determination to not fall into the same traps your parents and their partners did.
You are an incredible woman and I’m glad I found my way over here. Thank you for sharing and being an inspiration to all who would take the time to listen to what you have to say. *hugs*
I started writing these as a therapy for myself and never really expected that anyone would read them. It’s been encouraging to find that people are interested in my story, and I’ve found that I’ve helped quite a few people who experience some of these things themselves. Thank you for taking the time to go back and read and for the encouragement. It means a lot.
I just don’t know what to say about this… Everytime I get amazed by the power you had back than. I know it would have drivn me mad to know John was ‘back’. I have nothing but respect for you *hugs*
Thanks Marcos.
your story always leaves me so speechless… how could all this happen to one person? You are such a brave person… thank you for sharing your story with us.
Thank you for taking the time to go back and read everything you missed while off doing important things like….um……I don’t know…..getting married? It really means a lot.
OMG. that’s so intense. I don’t know how you held it in and didn’t scream it all out.
Is there more? Is Jessica OK? Is Teresa? Are you?
My oldest is the same age you were at the end of this installment. He is tiny and so…young. I cannot wrap my head around how anyone could do this. It is amazing you grew up to functional.
Thanks so much for reading. I’m actually in the process of typing up my next installment and hope to have it done soon. I have gotten emails asking what happened to everyone. I hope to have it all done soon
I am extremely impressed. Most people would have used this as an excuse to stay drunk or high, look down on life, and not properly raise their kids. You know who you are and where you have been and yet you find the courage to keep smiling. I know people who had a miserable childhood, but never endured half of this. Yet they are so miserable and cannot dig deep enough to escape it. I want to just shake them out of their self-destruction and self-pity. It tears me up knowing you endured years of holding this in. You are amazing!!!
I can tell by your writing, you are very intelligent with a sane mind. Your form of speaking is perfect, your grammar is perfect. Nothing is jumbled, and you have a very strong mind and good judgement. I wish I could find all the words I am looking for right now. You have come a long way and you overcame every obstacle they presented to you in life. You could have lived like they were, instead you chose the better life for you and your family. I am truly proud of you.
I always said I would not raise my children the way I was raised. There was an abuser in our family, that was worse than the basic abusers, if that’s what you want to call it. He ended up with life in prison, and no chance for parole, thank God. My children will always come first in safety and health. If anyone doesn’t like it, there’s the door, and I will help you through it. I have also always said, children and animals never asked to be born and they depend on us for everything. We are all they have. They are God’s gift.
You were God’s gift. You were his diamond that is going to help many others by sharing your story. For people like us that have suffered more than most, I never liked the saying that God doesn’t put on us more than we can handle. We all have our breaking point of when enough is enough. We finally become beaten down, but yes, we always bounce back, because it is in us. My husband was murdered, and I hated that I had been strong my whole life, regardless of what I had been through. I hated that loosing him caused me to lose myself. It showed me I had been weakened. The upside to our pains from the past, we now have a chance to do it right with our children.
You now have a chance to help so many who are hurting and are afraid to speak up. This is the beginning of it. You are getting your story out there and now others can relate. I hope one day you find the strength to search out others who are walking in the same path and be a light to them, to show them they can overcome it, just as you have. I wish you the best of life and I pray that by sharing, you face your past head on and are able to once and for all move forward, knowing you did everything perfect as a child. Not one second of your childhood was your fault. By raising your children in the most loving way possible, and loving yourself, you are healing. Sometimes we feel as if we are not healing, but we have to KNOW that every step we take, we are healing, whether we feel it or not. It is a journey, not a destination. We learn new ways to do things and new ways to cope. We learn to help others and to show others how to smile and move forward. We have good and bad days and when the bad hit, relax, cuddle up with your babies and watch a movie or something you all enjoy.
I wish I could hug you and take your pain away. Your pain made you who you are and I think you are wonderful. God Bless You. I am waiting to hear the rest of your life, although there were many moments, I couldn’t turn the page. I had to just sit there for a while and brace myself. I still have a knot in my throat, and can not for the life of me, shake it. Lots of love!!!
I am so sorry for the lengthy reply… I do have a piece of advice if you don’t mind. Knowing first hand, growing up in households that excessively argued, it teaches us to argue. We can become more like our parents than we can sometimes see. We walk around saying, I won’t be like my family, I will do better, but in actuality may have picked up on some of their traits that we are unaware of. I had to learn the hard way, not to argue and to choose my battles. I had to learn not to nitpick or turn the little things into mountains. I had to learn to be at peace with disagreeing and saying it is okay if we do not agree. It may sound easy to some, but for those of us, who were raised this way, know that it can be the hardest thing to overcome. I also hope you have chosen to forgive those who hurt you. Not for them, but for yourself, your health, and for your children. I had to learn to forgive those in my past, for my own sanity. I also have to daily forgive my husband’s murderer. This does not mean I do not want justice served, or that I forget, and I will not smile or wave at his family when I see them on the street. I forgive because I want to be healthy and whole. You know the detriments of raising children in an unhappy home. Please show your babies everyday you love them and it is okay to make mistakes. Explain, explain, explain everything to them as they go about their day, so they learn right from wrong, and make good choices. Then they will make you proud. Until next time…xoxoxo
Lengthy replies are welcome. If you have something to add or say please do, regardless of the length.
I have posted many times, when discussing some current struggles, that I believe things happen for a reason. Without experiencing the trauma and abuse that I did as a child, I would not be the person that I am today with the passion for parenting the way that I do. I probably wouldn’t have the strong relationship that I currently have with my kids and for that, I am thankful. However, you are right in saying that we are still the products of our parents and with the good you take from a bad a situation, you can’t help but take with you some of the traits you try to escape. There are times I have said and done things that have slapped me in the face as a reminder of my parents. I have tried to learn from those things but every now and then, they creep back in.
I have received many emails from people saying that reading my story has helped them in some way. I didn’t start writing out my story with that purpose in mind, but it has given me the motivation to follow through with the idea for a book that many people have pushed on me. I began writing my story as a form of therapy, since many of these things I’ve never said aloud or shared with another living soul. It has helped me tremendously.
Thanks again for reading. I look forward to your thoughts.
I have also said or done things that made me stop and think, oh God, that sounded like someone in my family. It can be difficult retraining ourselves 24/7 to think and act.
I am so glad you are close to your babies. There’s nothing sweeter in life than our precious children.
I have noticed in your comments from so many how you have touched them. I think it is wonderful. That’s how it started for me, more of a therapy, then you start meeting people that relate and feel lost. Again, I am so proud of you! And I LOVE your humorous posts. Thank you for sharing them with us.
Please let me know when you start adding new chapters. I will try to keep looking to. I hope you have a wonderful week!
And then what? I am riveted.
The next part will be posted tomorrow. Thanks for reading
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