Self Service
Self Service Sucks! I mean, what am I paying all this money for? To serve myself?
I think not people.
While some self service options are a fantastic alternative (I’d ask you to get your minds out of the gutter but that’s exactly what I was referring to), the self service option in my grocery store sucks ass. If anyone attempts to tell me that they LOVE their self service checkout at their grocery store, I’d have to say that they are a damn LIAR.
Now, there are two instances that you may find yourself tempted to use the damn self checkout register.
1. You have a cart full of groceries and the lines are long but no one is using self checkout
2. You only have one item and are in a hurry and no one is using self checkout
HELLO? No one is using self checkout for a reason. And if you actually wait in a line to serve yourself, you’re an even bigger idiot.
Let’s explore the first option. You have a cart full of groceries and the lines are long.
You’ve spent what seems like an eternity filling that damn cart up. You’ve dodged screaming kids, the creepy produce guy, the haunting smells from the bakery, and kept the gagging to yourself as you witnessed one fashion crime after another. You even took the time to bury whatever embarrassing personal purchases you may have in the bottom of your cart.
You are ready to high-tail it out of there but the lines are horrendous. You pick the shortest of the lines and get behind a woman who’s mother never taught her the importance of wearing underwear in public. You unwillingly witness a little too much ass crack and scope the store for refuge.
And there it was….
All shiny and silver and shit as if taunting you from across the store. The best part? There’s no line.
You make a mad dash to the self service register, all the while giggling like a little kid as grown ups shake their head at you. You scan your first item and put it in the bag. You stand there all smug and proud of yourself until you realize that you placed the item in the bag too early and you now have to take it back out. With your first item back in hand, you wait until the machine tells you to bag it. Done! Next item is scanned, you wait, you bag it. Done! You scan the third item, you wait, but when you go to bag it you realize you need another bag. You move the items you’ve already bagged which sets off the self service alarm.
“Please place items back on the bagging station”
Are you kidding me? I need another bag asshole. How am I suppose to get another bag ready without moving the one that’s already here? So you put the damn bag back, wait a moment, and it is still prompting you to bag your third item. You try to pull another bag out without moving the first bag. You figure if you do it in slow motion the machine won’t pick up on it.
You were wrong.
“Please place items back on the bagging station”
Deep breath. Lets rethink this here. Instead of moving in slow motion you figure you must become a ninja and move at hyper-speed, all while being undetected. You psych yourself up and with one swift move you pull out another bag. You bag it! Done.
You continue on with your self service checkout but have since become one with your ninja like shopping ability and have added sound effects to your “swipe and bag” technique. People are staring and security is on standby but you are in the zone. You have arrived at the produce and you now have to enter produce codes into the machine and set them on the scale.
You pick up your bag of apples and hunt for the code on the sticker. There isn’t one. No biggie, the machine offers a “look-up” feature. You place the apples on the scale and “look it up”. You press apples. It gives you 12 different apple options and green ones aren’t one of them. FUCK! You choose an option that looks closest to your apples. You have great taste, so great that you’ve chosen some rare organic apple at $8.99 a lb and you’ve just added $32.00 worth of apples to your bill. Isn’t this fun?
Frustrated that your inner ninja can’t help you out of this one, you press the button to alert cust0mer service that you need help. A light that’s capable of landing a 747 starts blinking at the top of your register and alerts everyone in the store that you’re a dumbass who can’t even serve themselves. Even though your cities entire population is shopping that day and staring you down, a cashier to assist you is no where to be found. While you’re in a hurry to get home and feed your kids, the cashier who’s supposed to be helping you is chatting it up with the only other free cashier in the building. You wonder how 13 year olds have managed to get jobs as they share who said what to who and what “he” had text her the night before. Oh yeah people, this is good shit here. You’re so glad you got caught up on all the gossip that you didn’t even notice your ice cream had melted. You might consider putting it in another bag but that would set off a whole other chain of events that you just no longer have time for.
The cashier finally arrives, puts in her “super secret” code and you’re back to groceries. Just a few items left….you can do this. As the cashier walks away, you scan your economy sized bottle of vodka. An alarm goes off, your register light starts blinking and the 13 year old cashier has the nerve to ask you how old you are. You hold up your Activia yogurt and dare her to ask you that question again. She can’t sell you alcohol so she has to get another cashier. 15 minutes later you are back on the road to checking yourself out. Is this still fun?
As you stand there with your testicular oil in one hand and your little willy condoms in the other, you realize a few things…
~ the disgusting woman who was in front of you in line has long gone home to spend time with her ass crack while you are still trying to find your way out of grocery hell
~a single kool-aid packet isn’t heavy enough to register the machine that you’ve bagged it. So while you practice chucking the kool-aid into the bag at 100 miles per hour, security is sending your picture to the FBI
~Children should not be employed by grocery stores
~ Adults impersonating children should not be employed by grocery stores
~A man has invented this damned “self service checkout” register as a way to screw with women.
I’m sorry that this man felt the need to keep his wife away as long as possible and in turn invented a machine capable of just that. I’m even more sorry that this woman married such a douche. I hate self service.
This had me laughing and chuckling from start to finish, meanwhile nodding my head in agreement. This is the best summary of self checkouts ever!
I used one prior to reading this by mere moments!
I don’t like them either, but oddly my husband loves them. He will actually drive past the one store that is slightly closer (very slightly) to get to the store that has the self-service check out that he likes. I am not kidding. …. Yeah, I don’t get it either.
As far as I can tell, there is only one benefit from self-service, and that is avoiding people who’ve forgotten that the art of hand-washing still exists and insist upon slathering themselves in harmful chemicals that were only meant to sanitize the hands of MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS who were working in environments where they were UNABLE to wash their hands. From my former job testing our waterways I could tell you all sorts of not-so-lovely stories about what that stuff does when it runs off into our water (can you say sex changes in fish?), so what exactly is it doing to the humans who cover their hands in it daily? Also, I just love getting my groceries slathered in perfume and chemicals that will stay on them and aggravate my asthma the entire time they are in my home, and every time I touch them. Sorry, somehow this comment turned into me ranting about “hand-sanitizer”. But, that is the only positive I see in self-service: Less people with fragrant, chemical-laden hands, handling our groceries. So for that reason alone, I like that my husband likes to use the self-service register.
The self service check out thing looks more complicated than the lunar tractor thing. Your post today is just top class. Garrison Keillor and Dave Barry would certainly be envious. You are given an A+++ on this one.
LOL … I’ve never seen one of those in a grocery store, but we did try one ONCE at Home Depot. Never again.
HOW DARE YOU! My shopping list is PERSONAL! I can’t believe you’d share it in a post. For that we are using self check out on our next tirp and I’m stocking up on Kool-Aid!
Ha ha ha ha is nothing sacred any more
That’s an…interesting…shopping list….
I think those self-service checkouts are hit and miss. The ones at our Giant Eagle, I never have any problems with. The ones at our Bloom are awful! I refuse to use them.
Hahahha.. I was laughing out loud the entire time I was reading this post….. It’s so funny because it is soo true!
Fantastic! I like self-serve but I have mostly figured out the ins and outs. True, when you first start they can appear to be stupid machines. BUT, if you work WITH them and are in a rush with only a few items, it’s a god-send for sure! As for the busy cashier who it “talking” instead of helping, I simply interrupt. Excuse me…. but right now, I am your job!!!
Dude! I am the master at self checkouts! The fucking master!!!
Did you hear that—- I fuck the master!!!
Uhhh what we’re we saying? Oh yea.. self checkouts… I am now going to offer a class!!
This was absolutely hilarious!! I have to say !!
You can buy testicular oil at your supermarket? Cool!! I totally agree with ya on the self checkout lines. What a waste! Even with just a couple items, I usually end up spending more time at those damn things than if I had just gotten in a long line with everyone else. No matter what I pick up, it NEVER rings up and the clerk has to come put in that damn code. And your right about fruit and produce. I put an apple on the scale….the maching asks “what kind of apple is it?”…. It’s an apple….how do I know what kind it is…… arrrgggg!!!! Now, if you will excuse me…I’m gonna call my local store and chew them out for not carrying that Testicular oil!
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I really have nothing to add beyond what anyone else has said in their comments except that this is hilarious, first-rate stuff that you should be getting paid to write. Thanks for the entertainment. oh, one thing: I don’t know that I’ve ever had to use 2 bags at a self-checkout, but I can’t, for the life of me, figure out why it’s so damn important for the machine to register that you have dropped the item onto the little platform after scanning it, whether it’s in a bag or just loose. It has a big conniption if you scan it and try to just hold it in your hand.
LMAO! OMG, I swear I heard myself in this post! Man, I missed you!
What else can I do, but totally agree on the fact that self service sucks big time? Everywhere we go, we pay a fortune to get what we want and still we have to help ourselves. Is it really to much to ask for some underpaid student to sit behind a cash deck and let her check out what we bought? I guess so. I’d say we start a riot and say f*ck you to self service!
Best. Post. EVER!!
number one the fact that i was looking up funny condom pictures and stumbled apon a blog about self check out is rare the fact that i took the time to read everything is even more rare this had me laughing my ass off for ever just as you said some man created self check out to keep his wife away from home made me think holy crap its true