Self Service Sucks! I mean, what am I paying all this money for? To serve myself?
I think not people.
While some self service options are a fantastic alternative (I’d ask you to get your minds out of the gutter but that’s exactly what I was referring to), the self service option in my grocery store sucks ass. If anyone attempts to tell me that they LOVE their self service checkout at their grocery store, I’d have to say that they are a damn LIAR.
Now, there are two instances that you may find yourself tempted to use the damn self checkout register.
1. You have a cart full of groceries and the lines are long but no one is using self checkout
2. You only have one item and are in a hurry and no one is using self checkout
HELLO? No one is using self checkout for a reason. And if you actually wait in a line to serve yourself, you’re an even bigger idiot.
Let’s explore the first option. You have a cart full of groceries and the lines are long.
You’ve spent what seems like an eternity filling that damn cart up. You’ve dodged screaming kids, the creepy produce guy, the haunting smells from the bakery, and kept the gagging to yourself as you witnessed one fashion crime after another. You even took the time to bury whatever embarrassing personal purchases you may have in the bottom of your cart.
You are ready to high-tail it out of there but the lines are horrendous. You pick the shortest of the lines and get behind a woman who’s mother never taught her the importance of wearing underwear in public. You unwillingly witness a little too much ass crack and scope the store for refuge.
And there it was….
All shiny and silver and shit as if taunting you from across the store. The best part? There’s no line.
You make a mad dash to the self service register, all the while giggling like a little kid as grown ups shake their head at you. You scan your first item and put it in the bag. You stand there all smug and proud of yourself until you realize that you placed the item in the bag too early and you now have to take it back out. With your first item back in hand, you wait until the machine tells you to bag it. Done! Next item is scanned, you wait, you bag it. Done! You scan the third item, you wait, but when you go to bag it you realize you need another bag. You move the items you’ve already bagged which sets off the self service alarm.
“Please place items back on the bagging station”
Are you kidding me? I need another bag asshole. How am I suppose to get another bag ready without moving the one that’s already here? So you put the damn bag back, wait a moment, and it is still prompting you to bag your third item. You try to pull another bag out without moving the first bag. You figure if you do it in slow motion the machine won’t pick up on it.
You were wrong.
“Please place items back on the bagging station”
Deep breath. Lets rethink this here. Instead of moving in slow motion you figure you must become a ninja and move at hyper-speed, all while being undetected. You psych yourself up and with one swift move you pull out another bag. You bag it! Done.
You continue on with your self service checkout but have since become one with your ninja like shopping ability and have added sound effects to your “swipe and bag” technique. People are staring and security is on standby but you are in the zone. You have arrived at the produce and you now have to enter produce codes into the machine and set them on the scale.
You pick up your bag of apples and hunt for the code on the sticker. There isn’t one. No biggie, the machine offers a “look-up” feature. You place the apples on the scale and “look it up”. You press apples. It gives you 12 different apple options and green ones aren’t one of them. FUCK! You choose an option that looks closest to your apples. You have great taste, so great that you’ve chosen some rare organic apple at $8.99 a lb and you’ve just added $32.00 worth of apples to your bill. Isn’t this fun?
Frustrated that your inner ninja can’t help you out of this one, you press the button to alert cust0mer service that you need help. A light that’s capable of landing a 747 starts blinking at the top of your register and alerts everyone in the store that you’re a dumbass who can’t even serve themselves. Even though your cities entire population is shopping that day and staring you down, a cashier to assist you is no where to be found. While you’re in a hurry to get home and feed your kids, the cashier who’s supposed to be helping you is chatting it up with the only other free cashier in the building. You wonder how 13 year olds have managed to get jobs as they share who said what to who and what “he” had text her the night before. Oh yeah people, this is good shit here. You’re so glad you got caught up on all the gossip that you didn’t even notice your ice cream had melted. You might consider putting it in another bag but that would set off a whole other chain of events that you just no longer have time for.
The cashier finally arrives, puts in her “super secret” code and you’re back to groceries. Just a few items left….you can do this. As the cashier walks away, you scan your economy sized bottle of vodka. An alarm goes off, your register light starts blinking and the 13 year old cashier has the nerve to ask you how old you are. You hold up your Activia yogurt and dare her to ask you that question again. She can’t sell you alcohol so she has to get another cashier. 15 minutes later you are back on the road to checking yourself out. Is this still fun?
As you stand there with your testicular oil in one hand and your little willy condoms in the other, you realize a few things…
~ the disgusting woman who was in front of you in line has long gone home to spend time with her ass crack while you are still trying to find your way out of grocery hell
~a single kool-aid packet isn’t heavy enough to register the machine that you’ve bagged it. So while you practice chucking the kool-aid into the bag at 100 miles per hour, security is sending your picture to the FBI
~Children should not be employed by grocery stores
~ Adults impersonating children should not be employed by grocery stores
~A man has invented this damned “self service checkout” register as a way to screw with women.
I’m sorry that this man felt the need to keep his wife away as long as possible and in turn invented a machine capable of just that. I’m even more sorry that this woman married such a douche. I hate self service.