I logged in to check my email this past Monday morning and noticed something strange. I had an unusually large amount of spam just kicking it around in my spam folder. WTF?
My first reaction was to “permanently delete all spam messages”, but I decided to take a closer look. After all, it’s been a while since I checked in on the Spam Nazi so who knows what in the hell she’s been up to.
Mylife.com – New results for Niki Dobratz
First of all, who the fuck is Niki Dobratz? Obviously she is someone important because there are at least a dozen emails saying there are results for her. Even more important, why in the hell should I give a shit? What does Niki Dobratz have to do with me? Obviously something because I figure that if this was just another ploy to get me to join a website, wouldn’t they have used a more common name? Jane Smith? Wouldn’t there be a higher chance of me knowing a Jane Smith than a Niki Dobratz? NO! I don’t know a Jane Smith either! Holy crap…. maybe I’m Niki Dobratz …. I
hoped knew I was adopted.
Recycle Cell Phones – Recycle old cell phones for cash
Oh dearest spam Nazi, why must you mess with my emotions? You know how much I want the new iPhone 4s and I’m sure you’ve been spying on me though my webcam and watching me drool every time the commercial comes on ( you know they do that shit ). I would love to recycle my phone for a 4s but I am saving for the kid’s Christmas and …. “if you recycle, it will come“. Really spam Nazi? Is that so? Could you go haunt Mr T’s email then and let him know?
email@example.com – Side effects of Prozac, get the legal help you need
Oh so now I need Prozac? Or are you just assuming I’m taking Prozac? Because I’m not…. but maybe I’d be in a better damn mood. Now on my list of things to do: get a prescription for some Prozac! But wait just a minute (GASP) there are side effects? “please tell your physician if you have two eyes, hair and walk with both of your legs before starting this medication. Side effects may include paralysis, lack of breathing, lack of heartbeat, blue skin, and possibly death” So I’m gonna die? No, I’m gonna be rich! First I need to get a lawyer. Then I take some Prozac. Then I sue Prozac. Then I’m a millionaire! I love you spam Nazi.
FlowerOrders.com – Send flowers and save $10
And how am I suppose to be spending my millions? I’m sorry but I don’t ever get flowers sent to me so why in the hell would I send them to someone else? Oh, so now I’m selfish. Screw you spam Nazi!
Fast Delivery – Sale! Discount! Buy Now! VIAGRA
So the Prozac makes you impotent too? Who knew? Well shit! If I go limp, can’t I just buy another attachment?
Mrs Vanessa Johnson – Please reply me with honesty, I have a touching story
Honesty? Here’s some honesty…… I’m not opening your email “Miss Vanessa” because I can already guarantee that your story isn’t touching, nor is it even true. To make it all that more entertaining, I’m also pretty sure that you’re not even a “Mrs. Vanessa”, but rather a 350 pound “Victor” who sits at his computer all day getting off on the fact that he’s screwing people out of their hard earned money. Ugh. And that’s if he even speaks English!
PeopleMeet – Join the #1 Dating Site for people over 50
You bitch! I don’t have a thing against people over 50, but I am certainly not over 50 myself. The fact that you would insinuate that I am, in fact, over 50 when you know I’ve just come to grips with being 33, pisses me the fuck off. We are done here.
eHarmony – search singles in theri 20s, 30s, and 40s
Oh it’s too late now missy. I said we are done here. Somebody needs to open that flowerorders.com email and it isn’t me.
Mr Tan Wong – ****SPAM**** read my business proposal
Dumbass. That is all.
New Earth Locations – An online aeriel view of your house
Phew! I was starting to get worried. I’ve had this feeling for quite some time that someone was watching me. I even started to wear a towel in the shower because I was afraid I’d open my eyes after washing by hair and BAMM! There’d be some psycho getting all stabby and shit. But now, now I know it’s just somebody taking pictures of my house from space because I’m most certain that “there’s an APP for that”. What a relief!
Bank of America – An update to your banking profile is required
Hahahahahahaha. You’re screwed buddy. I don’t even bank with Bank of America you dipshit! I bank with Chase. Dumbass.
Chase – An update to your banking profile is required
Adam&Eve.com – Congrats! You’ve hit the mega Sex Jackpot!
What the fuck?
How’d this get in here?
This isn’t spam!