Deflated
I feel ……….. defeated.
Maybe defeated isn’t the word I’m looking for. Honestly, I don’t think it is but “defeated” could describe some of what I’m feeling.
Overwhelmed. Not really, but totally all at the same time.
Let down. Absolutely feeling let down at the moment, but by whom? I’m not quite sure. Myself maybe?
DEFLATED! Deflated actually seems like it fits. Like I’ve spent the last decade and a half of my life building myself up and heading towards some unforeseen goal, some mysterious place in my universe where all will be good. I will be happy. And then over the course of the last year or so, someone put a tiny hole in my balloon and I’ve had to sit back and watch all I’ve built up escape.
What is happiness though, really?
Happiness is different for everyone, that much I’ve figured out, but what is MY happy?
I think that the majority of my life I have had to work hard for the simple things. Nothing has come easy for me. Times in a woman’s life that should be celebratory, memorable and exciting were surrounded by controversy and covered in a black cloud. Things most people try to remember, I try to forget. My first wedding (no one celebrated with me), the birth of my children (tons of drama in my family), my birthdays (always an inconvenience)…. no bridal showers, no honeymoon, no “It’s a Boy/Girl sign waiting for me when I got home.
Ugh.
So I kept my excitement on things to a dull roar, celebrated in my own mind, brought my newborn babies to others to visit, skipped celebrating my birthdays by convincing myself it was “just another day”, and learned not to expect ANYTHING from ANYONE.
I have spent my entire life trying to make other people happy. I’ve sacrificed in order to do this and I think that I figured in doing so, I was making myself happy.
I wasn’t.
I think what I’ve been searching for was someone to be happy FOR ME. I think I figured that if I worked hard enough, I could prove that I was worth someone’s time and energy and I could earn the right for someone to show interest in my life. But the reality of it all is that when something happens, whether it be good or bad, I have NO ONE to call.
When I struggle, when I’m excited, when I’m angry, I internalize it all.
Getting someone to care enough to pay attention is not a realistic goal for me and I’ve wasted a good majority of my life trying to make that happen. This is something I’ve just now realized this past week.
Deflated.
Now I am officially pissed. At who? I think myself.
So much has happened over the past year that I haven’t been able to share. So I am going to do what I need to do for ME. I want to get to a point where I can post what is truly happening in my life. I don’t feel like I can do that right now.
Why? I think it’s because I haven’t finished my Journey’s posts. As a matter of fact, the last post I did in my story was last April. It’s pathetic. I have made every excuse in the book as to why I haven’t written up the next post. I’ve received emails, Facebook messages, DMs on twitter and texts messages asking for the next part in my story. I’ve complained about my lack of time, health problems, etc. Shit, I’ve even had someone offer to write it up for me if I would just tell her what to type. But the truth is, it’s just a hard story to tell and only I can tell it. And despite everything I have been through, I’ve had this urge to protect the people who have hurt me.
I think that time has come and gone. If no one else gives a shit, then why should I? No one ever protected me so why should I protect them? I won’t do it anymore.
I’d like to share what’s happening in my life right now, both the good and utterly frustrating. But before I can, I need to explain why these things are happening. I’m going to continue my story now. If you’re a new follower and are interested, you can check out what I’m talking about by clicking on the page MY JOURNEY HERE on the top of my blog. I’ve started my story and have those posts listed in order on that page. All of my journey’s posts have a number in parenthesis after the title. If you’re not interested, you can just skip over them.
I have a lot to say and I think it’s finally time to say it.
“I lost some respect for my dad while sitting in that car. I didn’t trust him. The special treatment I had been getting in class started to make sense now. Would I have trust him enough to tell him I saw John? No.” ~ Sheer Curtains (16)
Sorry you are struggling J…… Huge hugs to you. I’m heading over to check out those posts you mentioned. Try to have a good day.
Thanks for the cyber hugs Mark
Jill,
I happy glad you are going to write it out. I am ecstatic! I can only speak for myself, but you have my support and my friendship.
Family is who we make it … and your strength will inspire others.
Like me!!!
Family is definitely who we make it and I am in the process of reinventing who I feel my family is. Love you!
Ah, yes, I feel your pain on the deflated mode of operation or end point or whatever it is right now. I too, wondered what became of the posts. I have been an absentee blogger and even commenter. Sad, since I still have a love for it and obligations take more time and energy than things I enjoy at this point. I look forward to the posts.
XO – J
Thanks J
I hope you’ll find the time to post soon too.
Wow. Kinda feeling like I should do the same fucking thing. I’ve been telling my story in bits and pieces because I am ashamed of myself for being in the shit um in. Thank u for this post and um keep in up wit u now too.
Thanks for reading. Hopefully you’ll find some peace in getting it all out. Just the little bit I’ve share has helped tremendously. Thanks for following.
I’ve been following your blog for a while now. I just read all of your journey posts and I don’t really know what to say except that I’m glad you are writing and I’m glad you’re alive. And happy birthday when that comes around.
Thanks so much for reading. It really means a lot. I’m glad I finally have gotten my head outta my ass and am getting this done. I need to.
My birthday is in September and I’ll be sure to celebrate this year!
September is a good month to be born! (I read the comment above so no I am not psychic, sorry to dissapoint you). My husband has a saying that goes “There’s always a hater”. There will always be someone who isn’t going to like what you do, what you say, how you live or even breath. Fuck ‘em. They aren’t worth the air they are taking in. You have to live for yourself. Obviously I don’t mean abandon your responsibilities or give up totally on trying to bring happiness to others, but everything in balance ya know? I wasn’t aware you had another blog so I am off to visit it.
Your husband is a wise man. LOL. You’re not a psychic? Well shit! … that could have been so much fun
But I’m not disappointed at all because I love you just the way you are. Now how to get you to Vegas ……..?
Oh shit I am posting under my husbands blog…whoops! This is Maggie from Suicidesal5.
Wow…reading your post really brought some thoughts of mine to the surface. Please know that you are not alone in looking for someone to be happy FOR you. Without really knowing it, I have looked for that for my 43 years.
I look forward to reading your story. I hope it helps you in your journey to happiness.
Thanks for reading!I look forward to your thoughts.
Imma… I’m just gonna hug you, okay? Okay. There. Haters gonna hate, and they shouldn’t stand in the way of whatever you feel like you need to do for you to be able to really, truly, be YOU – whether it’s shouting it out, writing it in a journal or sharing it with us, here: it’s your right to do so. First amendment or what is it again… I’m not looking forward to the story, because I know it will be ugly, but I hope it can give you peace, closure, maybe, and maybe it’ll patch that hole in your balloon. Take care xx.
You and I are a lot alike (turbulent past etc). I can especially identify with the part about internalizing everything and then having no one to share news with. I sit on the porch and talk to God about things going on, so far it’s kept me sane,. I don’t know what my neighbors think when they see me seemingly talking to myself, but oh well. lol
Whatever the circumstances are you will make it because people like you and I are survivors, we really don’t know how to do anything else. And then when things get serious we either use humor or push it down…no weaknesses allowed. Sometimes the cost of survival is high, and there are many casualties. I understand totally. We should talk.
Sweetie, I so can relate to what you’re saying. As a child, my mother “trained” me to take care of everyone else (mostly so she didn’t have to) and so much of that has just stuck to the point where I have a hard time doing stuff for myself. You do what you need to do for you and know that there are folks around who care about you. I know I’ve been quiet online recently, but if you ever call, I will definitely put down whatever I have going on to talk because you matter to me. *hugs*
Thy, your first priority in life is your family, your IMMEDIATE family. Your kids. Your husband. The games, the parties for their birthdays, unexpected events, your daughter’s issues, YOUR health issues, special times to spend with your family., vacations, trips…those aren’t excuses!! That’s your life with your family. Some things have to take a back seat.
You have to feel like continuing your story. Don’t do it just because people want you to finish it. It’s not a fairy tale, these are your life stories. And you have to relive these moments and experience feelings that have been harbored for years. It’s not easy.
Do it when YOU feel like it. Yes, you need time for YOU! And you make time for YOU and when YOU feel the time is right.
I have no words for this my friend. You deserve so much more than you are currently getting. I can´t even begin to wonder about the place you are in. What I do know is that it makes me real sad to read what is happening inside your mind right now. Hopefully, better days will be coming your way any time soon. ±’