I feel ……….. defeated.
Maybe defeated isn’t the word I’m looking for. Honestly, I don’t think it is but “defeated” could describe some of what I’m feeling.
Overwhelmed. Not really, but totally all at the same time.
Let down. Absolutely feeling let down at the moment, but by whom? I’m not quite sure. Myself maybe?
DEFLATED! Deflated actually seems like it fits. Like I’ve spent the last decade and a half of my life building myself up and heading towards some unforeseen goal, some mysterious place in my universe where all will be good. I will be happy. And then over the course of the last year or so, someone put a tiny hole in my balloon and I’ve had to sit back and watch all I’ve built up escape.
What is happiness though, really?
Happiness is different for everyone, that much I’ve figured out, but what is MY happy?
I think that the majority of my life I have had to work hard for the simple things. Nothing has come easy for me. Times in a woman’s life that should be celebratory, memorable and exciting were surrounded by controversy and covered in a black cloud. Things most people try to remember, I try to forget. My first wedding (no one celebrated with me), the birth of my children (tons of drama in my family), my birthdays (always an inconvenience)…. no bridal showers, no honeymoon, no “It’s a Boy/Girl sign waiting for me when I got home.
So I kept my excitement on things to a dull roar, celebrated in my own mind, brought my newborn babies to others to visit, skipped celebrating my birthdays by convincing myself it was “just another day”, and learned not to expect ANYTHING from ANYONE.
I have spent my entire life trying to make other people happy. I’ve sacrificed in order to do this and I think that I figured in doing so, I was making myself happy.
I think what I’ve been searching for was someone to be happy FOR ME. I think I figured that if I worked hard enough, I could prove that I was worth someone’s time and energy and I could earn the right for someone to show interest in my life. But the reality of it all is that when something happens, whether it be good or bad, I have NO ONE to call.
When I struggle, when I’m excited, when I’m angry, I internalize it all.
Getting someone to care enough to pay attention is not a realistic goal for me and I’ve wasted a good majority of my life trying to make that happen. This is something I’ve just now realized this past week.
Now I am officially pissed. At who? I think myself.
So much has happened over the past year that I haven’t been able to share. So I am going to do what I need to do for ME. I want to get to a point where I can post what is truly happening in my life. I don’t feel like I can do that right now.
Why? I think it’s because I haven’t finished my Journey’s posts. As a matter of fact, the last post I did in my story was last April. It’s pathetic. I have made every excuse in the book as to why I haven’t written up the next post. I’ve received emails, Facebook messages, DMs on twitter and texts messages asking for the next part in my story. I’ve complained about my lack of time, health problems, etc. Shit, I’ve even had someone offer to write it up for me if I would just tell her what to type. But the truth is, it’s just a hard story to tell and only I can tell it. And despite everything I have been through, I’ve had this urge to protect the people who have hurt me.
I think that time has come and gone. If no one else gives a shit, then why should I? No one ever protected me so why should I protect them? I won’t do it anymore.
I’d like to share what’s happening in my life right now, both the good and utterly frustrating. But before I can, I need to explain why these things are happening. I’m going to continue my story now. If you’re a new follower and are interested, you can check out what I’m talking about by clicking on the page MY JOURNEY HERE on the top of my blog. I’ve started my story and have those posts listed in order on that page. All of my journey’s posts have a number in parenthesis after the title. If you’re not interested, you can just skip over them.
I have a lot to say and I think it’s finally time to say it.
“I lost some respect for my dad while sitting in that car. I didn’t trust him. The special treatment I had been getting in class started to make sense now. Would I have trust him enough to tell him I saw John? No.” ~ Sheer Curtains (16)