Most people tend to think about the things that have occurred throughout their life in a desperate attempt to analyze who they are, who they have become, or how they ended up where they did. I have had one of those lives where its just something you wouldn’t believe, something you would read out of a book or see in a movie. I’ve spent most of my life trying to forget it all, honestly. Trying to push it all to the back of my mind and move forward to a less complicated and happier place. It hasn’t ALL been bad, some of it makes me laugh to be honest. All of it I have learned so much from. I wouldn’t wish some of my experiences on my worst enemy but I strongly believe that its the ones I try to push back and forget that have made me into the strong person I am today.
I had one of those moments last night. You know, one of those moments where you reflect on your life to determine why you do things the way that you do. I realized something. Most people can attribute their actions or reactions to an experience that they have had. A single experience that explains why they hate that song, dislike a food, cry at that movie, or chose not to spank their kids. I can’t seem to find those specific moments. What I have is a collection of experiences that have come together and created my mind.
I have been urged by numerous people to write a book about what I have been through. I can’t seem to muster up that kind of energy. I wouldn’t know how to even accomplish something of that magnitude in my current physicality. It was even suggested that it could be made into a “made for TV” movie. I don’t want to be an after-school special. What I do know is that all of the things that I have worked so awfully hard to run from have slowly creeped back into my life.
Me at 3 years old
Within this last year I have been so sick that even my doctors were not sure if I would pull through. So I decided, rather than write a book, I would start from the beginning here in my blog. Get the short version or snippets of the important things out. Kinda of like a journey through my own life. When there is nothing else on my mind that day, I will add to my journey. Maybe I will learn something about myself I haven’t already discovered. Maybe someone else won’t feel so alone. Who knows?
hey still waiting for the latest
I plan on starting on my next post soon.
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I’ve been reading your journey in the past hour, and I’m touched by your story and impressed by your writing skills.
On the rest of your blog I see a strong, loving mother and wife who fights like a tiger and who has – despite all kinds of hardships – a great sense of humor.
Thanks for sharing this all. It’s inspiring.
Although I do want to read “what happened next”, this is not a work of fiction and it has to be painful to tell, so do what YOU need to do. Share….or don’t. Whatever feels right to YOU.
I don’t want to tell you what to do, but perhaps what I tell myself will have meaning:
1) Take care of yourself first. You need to do that. Your children need to SEE that. And they need you around for as long as possble and as healthy as possible, so it rolls into #2…
2) Take care of your babies.
3) Take care of your mate, as long as that doesn’t mean sacrificing item 1.
And let that be enough.
My opinion is that, as long as what you are sharing here feeds into #1, that’s great. Otherwise….
….what we want isn’t your responsibility.
I hope that helps and doesn’t seem patronizing.
I am working hard on these things myself.
Boundaries are only “easy” for people who were allowed to have them as chidlren.
It doesn’t seem patronizing at all. Thanks so much for your thoughts. My children have always been my first priority but I think that what I need has gotten lost along the way. I’m trying to fix that.
Your words make sense. Thanks again for sharing.
I have enjoyed reading your blog….you reveal your life story so honestly and in an interesting way. I applaud you for this blog, examining and opening to us all you have been through. I truly do wish you the very best.
warm regards,
Celeste
God you are brave … just passing by … getting ready to thank you for spreading Crazy-Ass sunshine. LOVE, melis