I’ve never been much into New Year Resolutions. I find them quite entertaining, actually. I’ve learned a lot about some of the people I know because of their so-called “resolution” to make a change. Because deep down, isn’t it fear that fuels them? At least that’s how I’ve always seen it.
“My resolution is to start working out” – Fear of others thinking you’re lazy, Fear that your appearance isn’t good enough, Fear of becoming overweight and unhealthy
“My resolution is to spend more time with my kids” – Fear that you aren’t a good enough parent, Fear you don’t know your children as well as you should
“My New Years resolution is to be a better spouse and try to actually be interested in things he/she says and does and maybe sometimes include her/him in what I’m doing?” – Fear of ending up all alone because you know you’re just a selfish jackass who puts on a good show for people but in reality you and your spouse really know NOTHING about each other because if he/she really knew who you are and what you liked, they may not want to stick around. Phew…..
Those are just a few that I’ve been told within the last few days by people I know. And then I was asked, “Don’t you have any New Years Resolutions?”. This year, I actually have one. Though it’s not a resolution that you’d typically expect and it actually came to me while being entertained and amused at the bullshit resolutions I was hearing from everyone. You see, I have no doubt in my mind that I do all that I can for my kids and whenever I come across a way to do something more, it gets done. My marriage is fantastic and although I’m a bit heavier than I’d like to be I am perfectly comfortable and confident sitting this ghetto booty on the couch with a drink and a midnight snack. True Story. I’m not going to blow smoke up anyone’s ass and say I hope to be a better person this coming year because I am who I am, love me or not. And I’m not going to lie and say I’m going to try to be nicer this year because if you know me at all you know that I speak my mind, because I honestly feel that’s the way it should be. Maybe anxiety and depression wouldn’t be as prevalent in society today if more people said what they really thought and less people spent all of their energy trying to make others happy and be someone they are not. Take that extra energy to the gym or to the park with your kids and then maybe you wouldn’t need a damn resolution. Or better yet, use it to fuck the shit out of your spouse in ways they never thought possible because despite what they’ve ever told you, you know damn well they’d cum if you pulled their hair.
But most importantly, stop blaming other people for whatever situation you are in and how your life turned out. Happiness is a decision, as is success. Make the decision.
And so, getting back to my one resolution, Fear. Actually ridding myself of fear is what I intend to do this year, although I had already started this process months ago. Everyone has fear and it’s not the “fear of spiders” or “fear of heights” that I’m talking about. I’m talking about the fears that impact the decisions you make in life. Not taking a job because you’re afraid of change or not asking her out because you’re afraid of rejection…… those kind of fears.
So what I mean by I already started is this…..
I’ve kept my distance from most of my family and have even avoided certain people and situations because I know how hard it is for me to keep my mouth shut and I just didn’t seem to have the energy to start a war. Not any more. And while there are some that have stopped speaking to me, the drama they cause is gone right a long with them. Why did I wait so long? Fear.
My kids are healthy enough to return to public school but I’ve been afraid. Afraid of a few things honestly, but mostly I’ve been afraid of the free time I’d have to start my medically testing back up and start writing again. Afraid of what they’ll find? Definitely fear, but as of next week the last of my online students returns to public school.
But what’s really been eating at me, and the thing I’ve been most afraid of, is finishing my story. Now I honestly can’t say why I started this blog in the first place but for whatever reason it led me to telling the story I’ve been afraid of my entire life. Writing the story out has helped me in ways I never thought possible and has even led me to making the decision to publish it as a book. But what I ran into when publishing my last couple of posts on my childhood here is fear.
fear of reliving things I barely lived through the first time around
fear of not being able to explain myself properly
fear of exposing myself and some things I’ve done that I’m not proud of
fear of my husband reading things about me for the first time and having it change the way he looks at me
So what I realized in writing the last two posts of my childhood that I published here was that it was publishing my story on this blog, Thypolar’s Life Uncensored, that was making it difficult to keep writing. I couldn’t publish a funny story about something stupid my husband did one day, then post about child abuse and drug addition the next. I’ve been afraid to take it down and let it go because it has helped me in so many ways. So I’ve just left it here, barely posting a thing. I think this blog has served it’s purpose. It gave me courage to start talking, created friendships I never would have known, and let me find the reason I needed to write this. But I think it’s purpose is done.
A few months ago I started a new blog, just to tell my story. There’s no sarcasm there and nothing for me to hide behind. I’ve started my story over, from the beginning, with more detail and actual family pictures I now own that I didn’t have before. I’ve got about a half a year’s posts already scheduled and I’m still writing.
If you’re interested in reading my story, you can find it on Sheer Curtains. The first post was scheduled for today.
As soon as I get the last few things I need from this blog this week, I plan on taking it down. Thank you for all of your support, encouraging words, comments, likes, emails, subscriptions, etc.
So rather than wishing you a superficial Happy New Year like the rest of your Facebook friends that could honestly give two shits, how about this…
Here’s wishing you a happier you, no matter what that may be!